“You know that’s not really chocolate, right?” used to say very seriously my ex-boyfriend EVERY TIME I would cheerfully reply “White chocolate!” whenever the What’s your favourite chocolate topic would come up in a conversation with friends.
“You know I can’t wait to move to Scotland and forget about your existence, right?” made me want to reply to him, my eyes red with rage.
Listen…I KNOW that white chocolate is not exactly the most unblended of chocolates out there. I know. I am engaged to a Swiss person now. I THINK I KNOW A BIT ABOUT CHOCOLATE BY NOW THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
If I ask Google what white chocolate is made of, it says this:
And then this
Which then inexplicably leads to this
The thing is that I don’t really know when my taste for white chocolate started, but I think I like it because it tastes milky and not much like chocolate. It’s like a comfort blanket for my tastebuds. I also like Radler/Shandy beer because it doesn’t taste much like beer. I see a pattern here. Am I afraid of things tasting the way they’re supposed to taste? - is this a symptom of something else? *Googles Am I afraid of how real life tastes am I afraid of being hurt*
Back in Spain, roasted peanuts coated in white chocolate were my drug of choice. I believe my recent character-defining dental drama (which peaked with one of my teeth being removed last summer) started years ago with my habit of picking a big bag of those on my way back from work. What was I supposed to do on my hour-long subway commute but read a book while snacking like a lil tired raccoon? By now I’m pretty sure my sweet tooth (now literally inexistent, rest in peace) has put through university all my dentist’s children. I hope they’ll thank me someday.
My curiosity for white chocolate-covered treats has led to so much disappointment many times in my life. In Spain not so much, because white chocolate thingz are not really a thing (there’s like four of them?), but here in the UK you guys are obsessed with Milkybar and I love you for that. But it’s also a double-edged sword because, with so much offer, it’s so easy to fuck it up. Will this limited-edition White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks be my new obsession, the saviour of a sad day burning my eyes doing spreadsheets or will it make me regret that I even had a mouth?
Spoiler alert: it was 👇🏻
When I was in Paris last May, I saw white chocolate Kit Kat one day in a shop. Again, I’m not big on Kit Kat, BUT if it comes covered in white chocolate…well colour me interested. (Perhaps I should start doing that with lettuce?). I didn’t buy it because I was on the verge of a food coma that day*, but I made a mental note to get one before leaving the city. A mental note I forgot faster than my usual “Oh I’m not drinking tonight.”. So back in the UK I searched and searched for the white Kit Kats everywhere and nothing. Until…last Tuesday when I saw them at Tesco for the first time. And it’s funny because obviously, I was just thinking about them! Hashtag #Manifesting, guys.
*Lol I just remembered why I actually didn’t buy the white chocolate Kit Kat when I was in Paris…a fight broke out in the Monoprix we were shopping at!! They caught a couple of guys shoplifting and the scene turned a bit dodgy, so everyone else left their stuff behind and evaporated from the place. Voilá. That’s Paris for you!
Last Tuesday I also saw, hidden, lurking in the shadows, white chocolate-covered Oreos, which was another weakness back in Madrid. Back then you knew I had a bad day if you would come into my room and would not be able to see the pattern of my IKEA duvet because it would be covered in the silver wrappings from those wee fuckers that only come in pairs. In Spain, you can find white Oreos all year round, but here in Scotland apparently you can only get them at Christmas (a blessing in disguise tbh). But due to the swift pace of capitalism these days, where Christmas starts in October, there they were already, chanting at me like a siren, from the top of the shelf, while I had to do my best to look the other way and think that not today, Satan.
Still, I went home really happy with my white Kit Kats, which didn’t last me more than 24 hours of course. Spanish mums always say: “I won’t buy you *insert treat that you really love* because then you’ll eat it” which at first, when you are a kid, you are like “Isn’t that the whole point of food duh-doy” but now I can totally see it. Because I am an adult with a salary now, it means I can eat all the junk food and sweets I want, anytime, stay up until really late, and not shower for four days. I only wished someone would have told me that that’s also called DEPRESSION.
Sorry, I am digressing. Where was I? White Kit Kats, yes. So…I guess the lesson here is that when you stop searching, the thing you are searching for will come to you. Or perhaps the lesson is to never stop searching. Who knows? You can apply cheap Pinterest philosophy to anything, actually. So maybe nothing really matters at all, so eat whatever chocolate you love the most because we are all going to die anyway?
And now I'm craving something covered in white f chocolate. Who should I blame for it? Your writing made my mouth water because you were too good conveying the exact milky bar flavour to my tastebuds!!