Are you living in a Christmas movie? Find it with this quiz!
A Sad Little Life Christmas Special
If you were born in the 1990s, probably one of your Friday rituals, when you were an awkward teenager, was similar to mine: buy with your weekly allowance the latest teen magazine (mine were SuperPop, Bravo, Vale, and Loka) and religiously do with your best friend all the quizzes inside. All the answers to my teenage dirtbag problems were there, on those glossy pages: Is the guy I fancy from school secretly in love with me? He ignores me because he’s intimidated by my powerful unibrow, right? At what age will I become Vogue’s editor-in-chief? Am I a Rachel, a Monica, or a Phoebe? What does my gel pen of choice say about me?
To celebrate Christmas in this cosy little cabin in the internet’s forest - although in Edinburgh we’ve been in Christmas since November and it’s beginning to look a lot like fuck this - I bring you a quiz that I’ve carefully crafted to finally find out if you live in a Christmas movie. Because sometimes it’s not easy and I understand how it can be confusing. Because you might be wondering why you keep running into all these how widowed dads who own a bakery and have an incredibly independent 12-year-old daughter who is trying to save the local community center just in time for the holiday recital. Because this year your dad is taking you to Scotland to find out about his 3% Scottish ancestry he got on findyourancestors.com and you need a change of air. It’s time to find out. I present you a Sad Little Life Christmas Special. 🎄
For maximum enjoyment, I suggest taking this quiz when hiding from your relatives during Christmas dinner at your auntie’s while everyone thinks you are reeeeeeally taking your time taking a shit in the upstairs bathroom. And since you’re already there, anyway, why not take the chance to try on every single beauty product your cousins own? They would have done the same in your bathroom!
First things first - You are:
A) A very important and busy professional with no time for love.
B) A timid small business owner.
C) A spoiled rich heiress.
What do you see when you look in the mirror?
A) A white, thin, heterosexual woman.
B) A white, thin, heterosexual woman with a gay friend.
C) A white, thin, heterosexual woman with a black friend.
Where do you live?
A) What do you mean where do I live? New York City! Is there any other place?
B) A quaint small town that looks gentrified but only in a good way, you know? With my 10-year-old.
C) I don’t have a permanent residency but everywhere I stay looks like a location from The Crown.
What about your parents?
A) They live in my hometown, which I haven’t visited for years because that God-forsaken place is for l-o-s-e-r-s.
B) They died and I don’t want to talk about it.
C) My mom died giving birth to me, so she is now a beautiful mythical creature who has set incredibly high standards for me. Her death turned my dad into a bitter man who throws money at me instead of parenting. I’m not complaining tho.
How’s your love life?
A) My fiancé cheated on me with my best friend the night before the wedding, so I don’t believe in love anymore.
B) Well, it’s funny that you say that because my husband died too. It was during our first year of marriage when we were still living in Newcastle, stabbed by a group of lads outside the 24-hour Greggs because I had pregnant cravings and asked him to buy me a sausage, beans, and cheese melt. So yeah, I don’t believe in love anymore.
C) I am engaged with a handsome start-up founder and the best thing about him is that he is not interested in my money! He tells me every time. We love each other.
What are your plans for this Christmas?
A) What’s Christmas? That time when no one replies to my work emails? Apparently, my grandmother had a heart attack, so I’ll be flying back to my small hometown to spend some days with my family. Some guy I need to convince to sign a paper for the company merge also happens to live in the town nearby so that’s pretty much why I’m traveling to that shithole. Ugh. I will be staying in my old bedroom and wearing my old clothes because one of the perks of being literally consumed by your corporate job is that your teenage clothes still fit! Y2K is still a trend, babes.
B) I will spend it with my family, hearing the same story from 6 different people about how one of my cousins, the one with the hunchback, got engaged last week and how there’s still time for me to move on and find love again. I’ll cry myself to sleep in my daughter’s bedroom while holding at a photo of my dead husband.
C) My father has promised this year we will finally spend Christmas day together, so I’ve booked a table at his favourite Michelin restaurant. I even wrote him a Christmas card! I’ve said no to Julia Fox’s Christmas Party to be here, and I can feel that Dad is finally opening up. Wait, there’s a text from Dad’s assistant…
What’s your quirk? (Not to be confused with “kink” - your only sex scene in this movie will be very vanilla)
A) I get drunk with one glass of rosé and then dance with my eyes closed to Mr. Brightside. Ooopsie!
B) I talk to old people.
C) I can’t cook! I’m so clumsy!
Are any catalyst important events coming up soon?
A) I’ve been working on this merge for 2 years and my future depends on it. That guy better sign that paper. Even if I have to go all the way to his carpentry workshop in the middle of nowhere.
B) There is a bakery contest and only winning will save Christmas, so my future depends on it. Why? Don’t ask me.
C) My wedding, omg!
Plot twist (bonus question)
A) I’m going to have a very vivid dream of how my life would have looked like if I had never taken that business apprenticeship in NYC and instead stayed in my hometown and married my high school sweetheart, who, guess what? It’s now a carpenter!
B) The guy that has randomly appeared in my small town turns out to be a prince. That explains why he is amused by absolutely everything I tell him about my very average life. Or why he acts like he’s never seen a kid before. He is engaged to a princess he’s never met so someone owes me an apology preferably in the form of a very romantic speech under the snow in front of everyone.
C) Turns out that my family is on the verge of bankruptcy so my fiancé has left me. He only wanted me for my money! Who would have thought, uh? Not me!
Results ✨
MAJORITY OF A: Yes, you are living in a Christmas movie. And this Christmas you will learn that not everything in life is work. Seeking refuge in a highly demanding job after a breakup might be ok for a while, but it’s taking away the best years of your life! Opening to love again won’t be easy, but there’s nothing like going back to your very boring hometown and finding out that Josh FatLimbs from 3rd grade is now one of the hottest men you’ve ever seen (also single, also can build things with his hands). Finding out that property in your hometown is also 10 times cheaper than the city you live in will also help you to believe in love again. 🎵 The Christmas song for your movie opening credits is I’ll be home from Christmas - Michael Bublé
MAJORITY OF B: Yes, you are living in a Christmas movie, LOL. You seem to be stuck in the past, but you need to come to terms with the fact that your dead husband is now drier than the cake that God knows how won you that bakery contest. After a couple of cute misunderstandings with your hot prince (he’s engaged, and his family might be a bit classist! No one saw that coming!) you will learn this Christmas that it’s okay to move on and fall in love again. Especially if that comes with the perk of never having to look at a price tag ever again. 🎵 The Christmas song for your movie opening credits is Holly Jolly Christmas - Meghan Trainor
MAJORITY OF C: Yes, you are living in a Christmas movie. Like, what did you think. And this Christmas you will learn your true love will love you no matter your income. It’s incredible what a very sexy underpaid teacher can teach you about real life. Suddenly you don’t care about your collection of Bottega Veneta bags and you feel like vomiting every time your fiancé starts talking about cryptocurrency. If only there was someone else around you who finds all your rich girl ignorance endearing… 🎵 The Christmas song for your movie opening credits is Santa Baby - Laufey
And that’s it for 2024 my dearest gentle readers! 💖 I hope you have a semi-decent Christmas, full of carbs, fresh air, and love. This year I’m taking my now husband to his first Christmas in Madrid, and I plan to dive in a huge thick Chocolate con churros the moment we arrive! I’m excited for him to experience the intensity of Spanish Christmas. Who knows, maybe I am just gathering material to write my own Christmas rom-com one day…
But until then, it’s time to enjoy Edinburgh and practice some breathing exercises every time I pass by Princes St. I’ll finish today with something cool: we won the Cameo Picture House film quiz two Sundays ago, and it was a Christmas film special! (Mostly thanks to our friend Ben, gotta say…) 🎬
It was a Christmas miracle!
Ok, bye now.
This was laugh out loud funny, you’ve outdone yourself 😂
Enjoyed this with my coffee. Thank you